Fuck Stigmas

Hello my beautiful readers,

It’s 10:50PM here in Chatham, ON and despite the fact I took my night medication at 8:00PM tonight, I can’t sleep. This is a big deal considering they have just been increased to 100MG from 25MG. I’m not sure why I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s because I’m catching a cold and my nose is too stuffed up. (Probably the most likely reason). So I decided to jump on here and make a post.

So, long story short: I’ve been in a bit of a rut ever since August of 2016. Back in August, I was diagnosed with Mono (and no, it wasn’t from kissing too many boys) and I slept a lot. Almost all of August. My throat was so swollen, I couldn’t even eat a popsicle. That was just the beginning.

I guess I have to back track a little bit here, and start by saying I have a bone disease. It’s in my right wrist and it’s called Kienbock’s disease. Instead of me telling you what it is, google it. Way better explanation. I basically have a dead bone in my wrist. So, I’ve already had one operation on it and more will come in the future. Needless to say, my right wrist (also my dominant hand, of course) is very fragile and I still can’t lift heavy things or move it the same way I could before the surgery. This was diagnosed in November 2015.

Fast forward back to August 2015. I was going to visit my dad for his birthday on the 26th of August. Since I had mono, I was going to be taking the train to Oakville because I couldn’t make the 3 hour drive without falling asleep. Way to big of a risk. So, as I was getting ready to leave in the morning, my little puppy decided he’d try and escape. Of course, being the scared momma I am, I panicked and went to run after him. Turns out that was an awful idea because I fell out the door, full force, on  the concrete that is my front porch. Now, I didn’t immediately feel pain. I was more concerned about my bonehead dog getting killed by a car or something. Once Loki was safe and sound inside, I started bawling. My wrist was in an excrutiating pain, I also couldn’t move it. My mom gave me some Oxycocet for the train ride and some Tylenol 3’s for the weekend. I took them, and slept for the whole train ride.

Now, when I came home, I should of gone to the hospital but I waited. Fast forward a few days, and I was in the E.R. The doctor didn’t want to do anything because I had an appointment with my surgeon who is my lead for my wrist. Long story short: I ended up in a cast for 2 months. I got my cast off October 27th.

Now, as you can guess I didn’t work for 3 full months. This put a major damper on my finances. I like to think I’m fairly good with my money, and I work a lot so I’m never too concerned. I handle my OSAP money well, etc. Let me tell you, nothing prepared me for this. I paid off some bills when my OSAP came in, and went on my merry way. Never did I imagine being taken off work.

Ever since I went to university in September 2012, I’ve been financially independent. My parents don’t pay for my tuition, phone bill, textbooks, rent etc. I’ve also never had to ask. Sure, every once in a while my parents would pay for groceries or something but never to an extreme. I’ve always been proud of that. So, it takes a heck of a lot for me to ask my parents for money. As you can guess, I didn’t ask them for help the whole 3 months I was off, which I now realize was a mistake.

So, my bills got further and further behind. I always made sure I could pay for my car and my car insurance. Without those, then I’d really be screwed. The stress just got higher and higher and my mood got lower and lower.

I guess now would be a good time to mention that I have a history of depression and anxiety. And no, it is not self diagnosed with WebMD. Several doctors have diagnosed me, thank you very much. With this history comes self harm and an eating disorder. I remember when I weighed 90 pounds because I never ate. It was unhealthy and I looked sick. Wow, I’m just telling you guys everything tonight huh? Maybe I’ll have to make this a two part post…. hm….

Anyways, now that I’m older I recognize when I’m starting to go back into my dark place. I do take anti depressants, but those can only do so much. I take 20MG of Cipralex, which isn’t high at all and I’d prefer to keep it that way. I know when I’m starting to get to my breaking point and I fix it.

I wasn’t able to fix it this time.

Now that you have an insight on my past with depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorder and insomnia, I feel like now is a good time to conclude. I wanted to make this all one post, but it only feels right that you know my history and then what I originally wanted to post, which is about stigmas associated with mental health.

I really need to get some sleep despite not being able too.

Talk to you later.

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