I’ve never really been one to mess things up. Since I’m such a meticulous planner and organizational freak, I always think at least one step ahead. I might not always do so, but I try my best with each decision that I make.
So, let me give you a back story here….
Rewind to last summer, around July 16th. I received a message on Facebook from a guy I went to high school with. He was wishing me a happy birthday. After the niceties were exchanged, he had asked me to go out for lunch/dinner with him to catch up since it had been 3 or 4 years since we’ve seen each other blah blah. I had a major crush on this guy in grade 9, so i absolutely accepted. Better late then never right? Anyways, he drove about 20-30 minutes out of the way to come pick me up in Wallaceburg and everything. I thought this was rather sweet. So, we went to a place in Chatham called Rice & Noodle (if my memory is correct) and we caught up. We talked about high school and university and blah blah.
Now, we were never really friends in high school. We would have classes together, be partners occasionally, exchanged hellos in the hallway, but we didn’t hangout. So, after dinner that night I was mildly confused as to the whole “catching up” business, as we had nothing much to watch up on. I later realized it was a ploy to get me to go out with him, and it worked. (His words, not mine). Anyways, after that we saw each other several times.
One day, as we were exchanging text messages, he accidentally sent me one that was meant for someone else. Now, up until this point I had no idea who his family was, never met anybody in his family, all that jazz. Although I can’t remember the exact wording of the message, it mentioned something about his mother being sick with cancer. I immediately knew the message wasn’t meant for me and to be honest, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. So again, if my memory is correct, I simply said that I didn’t think that message was meant for me. And I was right, it wasn’t. But at that point, the cat was out of the bag. We didn’t talk about it, and I never bugged him too. I figured he’d talk about it if he wanted too.
Shortly after, I was invited to dinner at his parents house. This made me absolutely nervous. His father is a lawyer, mother a doctor. I had no idea how this was going to go. I knew him, and he wasn’t some spoiled rich kid, but I know sometimes parents want the best for their children. Regardless, it went well. I met his sister that night as well. I liked his family very much. They were kind and respectful. To be honest, all I wanted to do was pick his dads brain about law and being the Crown Attorney. (I know, it’s awful but that is my dram job right there).
So fast forward a few months, we continue to hangout and get to know each other. It became clear there were feelings involved on both ends. Now, here is when my inner jerk comes out. It’s been quite some time since my last relationship and without going into detail, it broke me. After that ended, I wasn’t the same person anymore. Regardless, with this guy, I wanted to try. I wanted a relationship with him. He made me happy, he kept up with me, he is well spoken, intelligent, funny, hardworking. He’s honestly the entire package. We would have made quite the lovely couple.
Back to where we left off, now Internet world, try not to judge me to harshly. This was some time ago and I’ve grown up since then. BUT, at that time, it honestly scared the hell out of me that his mother was dying. Pathetic right? I was all hung up on HIS mother dying. How selfish of me, I know. I was scared that I couldn’t be there for him when he needed me. I was scared that I would only let him down at a time he relied on me the most. I was scared I wouldn’t know how to react if his mother passed away. All of these feelings and thoughts were selfish. I couldn’t put aside my own issues to help him.
Listen, I know how I am in tough situations. I couldn’t imagine being his rock if his mother passed, when I’d be a blubbering mess myself. I get attached to people easily, and the more I got to know his mom, the more attached I got. So, I did what I do best – and I pushed him away. Not on purpose, but little things here and there. They add up quickly, I learned.
For example, he asked me to be his date to his sisters wedding in February. I could of easily said yes. But no, I used my surgery as an excuse. I was scheduled for surgery on my wrist in December and was going to be in a cast well into February. It had been rescheduled once, so I said something about the possibility of it being rescheduled again and what if I’m in pain? I can’t remember what BS I used at the time. I never really gave him a straight answer. So, he waited. When I finally got the operation, he asked me again – rightfully so, his sister needed to know if I was going to be there or not – DUH. I gave him some BS excuse probably. Long story short, I did not go.
A bunch of other little things happened, like I’d get annoyed if I couldn’t see him as often as I wanted blah blah. Looking back, I realize how much of an as*hole I was. His mother was dying for God sake, of course he was going to spend as much time as possible with her. It’s one of those situations where you don’t realize the mistakes you made until you make them.
I’ve never really screwed up a relationship before. I’m always the one that sticks around until the bitter end no matter how many times I’ve cried, how many fights we’ve had. I always, always fight for the person I want to be with. This situation was the opposite. I let him go, and it sucked. For the first time, EVER, I was crying because I had made a mistake, and I had screwed up what would have been an amazing relationship. I have no doubt in my mind that if I had of said yes when he officially asked me out, instead of just staring at him like an idiot, we’d still be dating today. But no, I had to go and be the jerk that I am.
I learned a lot from it, which is nice I suppose. Just a little to late for this guy. We still talk, in fact I saw him Tuesday. We drank wine and went in his hot tub and swam with his dog. But I never know what he wants from me, we never talk about it -even if I try. He claims to have forgiven me for being such an as*hole, but I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like I’m pulling teeth to get him to consider hanging out with me, even then he’s usually drunk when I see him.
I don’t know. There’s the truth Internet Fam. The one time I actually mess up a relationship and a year later, still think about it. Anyone have any advice out there for me? Do I confront him? Leave it in the past? Try and start over?